Emergency plan

Western BC, especially over here on Vancouver Island, expects everyone to have an emergency kit and 'escape route' planned in case of forest fire (A real risk) earthquake (Real risk) and Tidal wave (Possible risk). This is not unreasonable as we sit neatly near the 'ring of fire' around the Pacific Ocean where earthquakes and suchlike are not unknown. Mrs S and I were discussing how fast we could get out and to safe(ish) ground within five minutes of a warning.

Being as we have already roughed it all the way across the great divide and back, cooking over camp fires and sleeping in our Windstar, we reckon that we could be up and out of the house, fully kitted up within two minutes without too big a problem. Rations and water for 72 hours the lot. Our neighbours are already so equipped.

All this being said and done, we might never need it, but it's nice to feel that you can cope if there's a real problem. However, when I go back to the UK to see my mother in January 2008, I may find myself frisked everywhere I go if this report is anything to go by.

'Fortress Britain'? I have but one comment to make. It's no good living in a stronghold if the enemy is already inside. To dig out one of the most appropriate flat pack cliche's; door, locking, stable, bolted, horse, the, the, it's, good, no, after, has.

Britain didn't need this kind of thing during the years the IRA were chucking bombs around on the mainland, so what's the point now? It'll be a nightmare to enforce, financially and physically and the nutters will only have to be lucky once, but the security services will have to be lucky all the time. Feel safer now?

I should really give up

Last night I posted about the old fashioned fun we used to have at Halloween when I was growing lad, and how it wasn’t all about ‘Trick or treat’. I posted a similar view (Although much shorter) in response to one of the ‘your view’ commenters on the Daily Telegraph website. You can read the thread here.

One person took my words seriously amiss and tore into me personally because his / her Mother had been ‘Terrorised’ by some unsupervised ‘Trick or treat’ teenagers. In his / her own words;

“You (and these scumbags) can keep your 'sense of fun'.”

Which really says it all about the attitude of many in England. No doubt the poor Mother in question was alone at the time. She was so alone and afraid that a bunch of children in fancy dress knocking on her door and demanding sweets could traumatise her so. Yet instead of taking the trouble to help remedy said Mothers solitude, the person took umbrage against the whole festival and anyone who enjoyed it and said so.

Maybe it’s just me. I’m just so used to dealing with strangers and new situations that I’ve lost the conception of what it is to be isolated and scared of the world. To feel so alone and rejected all you want to do is hide. I go out and meet the world and am used to talking to anyone. Three years on the streets showed me that it wasn’t that difficult. All it takes is a touch of old fashioned common humanity and a little guts. My own Mother taught me that. She has a busier social life than I do.

This is the malaise that haunts my native country. The fear, too often reinforced by a sensationalising media that one cannot walk the streets in peace. The fear that you will be unjustly penalised for defending yourself, or murdered if you do. The fear promoted by a State which daily saps personal responsibility from the lives of everyone and then cannot deliver the safety it promises to the very people it should really be protecting (And I don’t mean Politicians).

I really should give up on people who have given up so much themselves. The poor souls can’t have any fun at all.

Last beer with the lads

The floodwaters are receding, I’ve handed my kit in. My life on the streets is over. I’m going back to being my own man again; a little bit tougher, with an even more jaundiced view of humanity, but still the same grumpy old bear as before.

Met Merys of “I am not a drain on society” for coffee on Sunday spending a good hour chewing the fat, venting a little spleen, and generally setting the world to rights. Our conversation kept on getting interrupted by calls from her mother. Merys, you are right, your Mum does have issues that only she can resolve. Anyway, Merys told me that I should keep blogging, and so I shall. God knows about what, perhaps whatever scrolls my particular knurd on the day. The blog is my sanity reinforcement device and helps me put things in perspective, so a brain dump it will remain.

As to the subject line; leaving any job is always a happy / sad occasion and I was feeling a bit strange about it all weekend. Colin and Asif arranged to meet me at my local and invited one of the others who had just left, 666. 666 had found the job too stressful, and after a year on the streets finally called it a day. Not that I blame her, without the blog to keep me sane, I’d have folded in six months.

The guys were pretty good to me and wouldn’t let me put my hand in my pocket to pay for a round of drinks. Bless ‘em. We spent a couple of hours setting the world to rights and ended on handshakes and hugs (Why not?) I wiped away a manly tear. I shall miss them greatly, but not the job.

Today I spend my first day as a free man watching the rain fall and inspecting my copy of my book which just arrived in the post and looks better than I anticipated. It reads well too. I’ll be using Lulu again.

Anyway, lots to do as we’re moving out of this little town for pastures new and I’ll end with a joke;

I say I say! What do you do about visiting NuLabour politicians investigating the floodwaters?

I don’t know, what do you do about visiting NuLabour politicians investigating the floodwaters?

Keep your foot on the back of their head until the bubbles stop breaking!

I thank you.

Special request

Got an e-mail form one of my many e-friends (Cheers Gonorr) who has asked me to post the following E-petition regarding facilities for the care and rehabilitation of wounded and disabled service people and their families. Please spread the links as widely as you can. Also, read the opinions of those who have to do the job.

I’m backing this campaign because our Government sends troops out to fight, and those troops are, whatever your opinion of squaddies and what they do, people. Should they get hurt in the line of duty, doing what they were asked to do; they and their families are deserving of our utmost support and respect. Like it or not, they are fighting a war of sorts and deserve the best of care from their country, or we are no longer a country.

The apparent attitude of the well-heeled locals appears downright mean spirited and selfish. Wonder how many of the objectors have sons and daughters serving in the Armed forces. Not many I’ll warrant.

Update; the link to my book is now fixed.

Live Earth

End of shift conversation on Friday afternoon between me and my two beat oppo’s; happy because we’ve got a weekend off.
“First weekend off in months, Bill. You looking forward to it?” Colin asked me.
“Yeah. Last one before I take my holiday.”
“So what you doing this weekend?” Asif was putting his kit back in his locker with his trademark melon slice grin.
“The usual, might take a day trip to the south west if the weather forecast’s good. What about you?” I shrugged.
“I’m watching that Live Earth concert.” Asif sounded happy about it.
“Oh, right.”
“You don’t sound impressed.” Colin remarked.
“I’m not.”
“Going to watch it on TV?” He asked.
“Nah.” I tried to be noncommittal.
“Why’s that?”
“I’m switching the TV off to save electricity.” Asif and Colin laughed. They’re used to my acerbic brand of dry humour.
“No, seriously; you going to watch it?”
“Told you; no.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s all bollocks, that’s why.”
“What, the concert?”
“No, all this give everything up to save the planet malarkey.”
“Oh yeah, we know that.” Asif shrugged into his street jacket.
“You might just as well rearrange deckchairs on the Titanic.”
“Big con, that’s all it is.” Colin remarked. “Come on, time to go home. We’re not being paid for our time any more.”

We clocked out and went home.

Tomorrows ban

Just a few idle thoughts whilst out on patrol watching smokers huddling wetly under trees and awnings in the intermittent rain on the first day of the UK’s indoor smoking ban. This annoyed me a little because these are my favourite lurking places and my supply of fresh air was reduced. By the way, for those of you who are interested, you can smoke outdoors. So long as you don’t light up in any publicly used enclosed area like a Mall, Shop, Restaurant or Pub, you’re OK.

As an ex-smoker I feel the ban is a bit draconian; yes, I know smoking is really bad for you, and that it increases the risk of heart attacks, cancer, pre term abortion and other assorted nastiness. I don’t do it any more, but there are others that do and take that chance. They’re grown ups and know the risks – so what?

Regrettably I’m sure total prohibition is only a step away. What will this lead to? No more smoking anywhere at all? Speakeasies for smokers? Organised crime being handed yet another way of making millions? This does tend to beg the question; what’s the next candidate for a ban?

One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is that these issues tend to come in stages; first there is the irate voice in the wilderness, then a minority campaign by the ‘concerned’ followed by several abortive attempts at a ban. Next come some half arsed measures like banning public consumption; next follows total prohibition, followed by liberalisation a few years later because the ban proves unenforceable. Hunting anyone? Fishing shortly to follow?

Alcohol is next in the frame obviously; the media outcry over ‘binge drinking’ is quite ferocious, so picking that as the prime candidate isn’t one for Einstein. My take on it is; what do you expect when you allow extended licensing hours for the sale of Alcohol, especially in a country where people are culturally conditioned to drink large quantities in short sessions. Mind you, in countries where Alcohol is forbidden to all but a few, civil unrest and violent insurrection seem quite common. Where a little civilised tipple is permitted and even encouraged, life is seems more laid back. Unless you’re an aggressive type with an excess of testosterone and a chip on your shoulder, that is.

If we have any form of Prohibition, we should look at how it was tried in the 1920’s and 1930’s in the USA (Amongst other places), and look what happened there. Organised crime built, and continues to build, empires on the illicit sales of alcohol (Amongst other substances).

After alcohol, what will be next on the ban list? Well my money is on coffee. It’s got a number of factors which are almost guaranteed make the ‘ban everything’ brigade target its consumption. For one thing, it’s very American. To some people anything remotely connected with the USA is anathema (Even some Americans feel this way). Their virulent hatred passes irrationality and has more than a hint of being well over the event horizon of complete frothing insanity and accelerating. Their thought processes seem to follow this general route; they hate America, ergo America is evil; Coffee is predominantly an American habit, therefore Coffee is evil. Not because Coffee, or Coffee shops are really that bad, but because of the USA connection. To my mind that’s rather like wanting to shut down all the Chinese takeaways because you don’t like the foreign policy objectives of the Peoples Republic of China. In addition there is already a groundswell of semi organised whining against the Coffee shops that will probably culminate in a number of media outcries (Rather like in the 19th century), followed by an attempt at some sort of ban.

Of course there are the ‘health’ issues. Over consumption of Coffee can be bad for you, it’s a diuretic (Make you want to wee more) and even mildly addictive. Although this can also be said of teas, some of which have a higher tannin and caffeine content than coffee.

Strangely enough, many of these complaining voices appear to have a religious or pseudo religious foundation. A lot of the ‘anti’ arguments (Coffee, alcohol, tobacco) appear to have their complaints couched in phrases cocooned within religious or politico-religious imagery. If they (the complainants) don’t like other people obtaining gratification from a practice, they are often heard to describe it as ‘un-Christian’, ‘anti-Islamic’, ‘anti-Zionist’, or ‘anti-pagan’. Never mind that the derided practice or substance was not around when said religious factions holy books / scripture were originally written. Their misdirected zeal scatters like shrapnel. Furthermore, it is my observation that said complaining voices seem to be guilty of making up their own prejudices as they go along. It does not really seem to be anything to do with religion at all. They’re just anally retentive power freaks who use it for their own twisted agendas.

This seems particularly true as it seems to me that people of a certain mindset are drawn towards the evangelical, of whatever religious persuasion. They can’t attain power any other way, so they use the smokescreen (Heh!) of religion or politics to obtain it. That’s how they obtain their gratification. The ‘comments’ section of any daily newspapers website seems to attract these armchair prohibitionists (Of whatever kidney) like wasps to jam.

To my examination, all this talk of “It’s bad for you” looks more like a power trip than a health thing. Over consumption of anything is very bad for you, but that doesn’t mean we should ban everything certain minority pressure groups don’t like. Lets face it; you can even overload your system with water if you work hard enough at it. Under certain conditions even oxygen can prove fatal. Try banning either of those and see what happens.

Failing that, why don’t the ‘ban everything’ faction try breatharianism? Then see what happens.

Update: There have been a couple of stories in the mainstream press alleging that a ban on smoking outdoors is imminent. Funnily enough, when you click on the links the stories have been replaced by less inflammatory pieces.

Incidentally, to those commenters who have made some very wordy posts re how good the ban is, and how it is not the top of a 'slippery slope'. Please read your history. Prohibition of Alcohol swept in on a wave of middle class approval too. Don't take my word for it. So long as this pack of jokers are in power, the trend will continue.

Going to the dogs?

Another on and off rainy day, another run in with people who basically aren’t looking or don’t care. This little anecdote finds old Uncle Bill in his traditional stance (Arms folded, standing his ground) receiving a thorough telling off from a member of the General Dyslexic (Post Parking ticket of course).

“You know what’s wrong!” He frothed at me. “This country’s gone to the bloody dogs! You know why? Eh, eh!” The customary angry finger was thrust under my (apparently guilty) nose. “Go on! Why’s the country in the state it’s in!” He stood there, quivering with old rage, seeing me as the symbol of everything that was wrong with his country.
“Don’t know sir.” I responded carefully. An intelligent response will only wind this idiot up even more.
“Of course you bloody don’t!” He railed. “You’re the problem! All of you fucking jobsworths!” Thought so. I breathed a heavy inner sigh. So it’s my fault you took up a parking bay you weren’t entitled to because you were too tight to stump up fifty pence? “You go around making people’s lives a misery, and I bet you get a kick out of it don’t you? Don’t you!” The accusing finger dropped. I stood there saying nothing. Just waiting until the storm appeared to have blown itself out. As his blood pressure seemed to be dropping, I administered the coup de grace.
“Challenge procedure’s on the back of the ticket sir.” I advised gently.
“What?” I’ve really confused him now.
“The instructions on how to challenge the ticket sir. Should you wish to do so. On the back of the ticket. In the envelope. Sir.” I reiterated, not unkindly.
“ARHHH!” He shouted and stomped off back to his vehicle. Job done, another confrontation survived. There are ways of fighting back without actually getting into a fight.

What he said left me thinking. Why is England in the state it’s in? Am I part of the disease or the cure? I like to think it’s the latter. Doing little things like keeping streets running clear (Where I can) and showing the wilful that they cannot get away with being the grit in the ointment of other’s lives. Helping out where I can. Small stuff.

On that subject; albeit a little obliquely, I was reading ‘The Pub Philosopher’ a few days ago and found a link to this article (Why England is rotting) in a Canadian publication. It makes for thought provoking reading.

In perspective; not so very long ago, a couple of decades in my recollection; anyone messing around with the rule of law could expect some fairly rough handling. If you got drunk and stupid, you could expect a night in the cells and a short trip down the steps if you got disrespectful. It was an experience to be avoided and feared (Unless you were too stupid and full of yourself to care). Likewise, anyone messing with the Royal Navy could expect to be summarily blown out of the water. Now everything seems so emasculated. We expect our front line soldiers to be nice. This is crazy. Our Armed Forces and Police were never meant to be social workers. To illustrate by comparison; Dobermans were never really bred to be house pets. They are primarily guard and attack dogs.

In addition there is this asinine view that everything can be micro-managed remotely by non-combatant politicians and the guy on the spot has to refer each command decision upstairs. This way of doing things is quite frankly ludicrous. That ain’t no way to run an army. It’s a sure fire way to lose a war. Does no one read any history around here?

To enlarge; there is an idea that seems to stem from this huge, confused power / guilt / ego / morality trip that much of the left leaning English middle class seems to be hooked on. It’s like some people are trying to out-nice each other in the hope that the meek really will inherit the earth. (They will eventually, after everyone else has finished with it; but not just yet, it’s not their turn this millennium, or the next if human nature is any yardstick.) We are told that we have to stay on some farcical ‘moral high ground’ and ‘save the planet’ (That’s all utter bollocks if you ask me, this planets biosphere could shrug us off as a species without a twitch in it’s orbit and still keep going round the sun – it’s still got billions of years left in it).

England (As a societal entity) seems to have been so busy bending over backwards for so long that now, without turning it’s figurative head, it can make a spirited attempt to kiss it’s own arse as well as everyone else’s. We seem to have missed the middle ground somehow. I know we are no longer a colonial superpower and should accept this; our ancestors did many ‘bad’ things (By today’s standards, perhaps not by theirs). I understand one of my own distant ancestors was hanged for murder – but that doesn’t make me (Or any of my close relatives) a killer. Similarly, it’s no reason to (As a nation) wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of eternity. What I’m trying to get across is that we as a nation should ‘fess up, learn the lesson and move on without all this guilt. It’s so adolescent and self-indulgently destructive. For want of a better term, it’s just so Chav. Which is half the problem really.

Where there’s smoke – there’s fined

Lunch break recently. There was a continuous rotating discussion about the English smoking ban that comes into force 1st July 2007. Almost half of the Parking Enforcers in our district are smokers, so not being able to bunk off for a quiet ciggie on your break is going to make some of my brethren even less loveable than at present. As if that were possible.

The situation at present is as follows; you can’t smoke in our mess room, and from 1st July won’t be allowed to smoke in the entire building. Now the law as it stands forbids smoking ‘in the workplace’. Now, speaking as someone whose workplace is the Streets, does this mean that any of my smoking brethren cannot bunk off for a quick smoke whilst out on patrol? Or, provided of course that they have removed their cap and epaulettes, they can, provided they have logged off on a ‘break’. No one has given us any guidance on this as yet. As if they will until it becomes a ‘disciplinary matter’. Please note; we are not deemed to be ‘in uniform’ when without these items, and if seen booking a vehicle whilst not properly attired, then any Penalty Charge Notice issued when not ‘in uniform’ can be made invalid upon challenge.

Now the ‘official’ guidelines (Key points) from the Smoke free England website are laid out below;
· From 1 July 2007 it will be against the law to smoke in virtually all enclosed and substantially enclosed public places and workplaces.
· Public transport and work vehicles used by more than one person will also need to be smokefree.
· No-smoking signs will have to be displayed in all smokefree premises and vehicles.
· Staff smoking rooms and indoor smoking areas will no longer be allowed, so anyone who wants to smoke will have to go outside.
· Managers of smokefree premises and vehicles will have legal responsibilities to prevent people from smoking.
· If you are uncertain where you can or can't smoke, just look for the no-smoking signs or ask someone in charge (If you ask me, no one’s told me anything so I won’t have a clue - sorry).

Our discussion opened when Chris lit up his usual badly rolled ‘tab’ and stood in the mess room doorway to smoke and talk as usual. “You jacking it in before first July mate?” Pete asked him.
“I’m going to try.” Chris took a short drag on his roll up and coughed like an old tractor. I never fathom why he still smokes, what with his bronchitis and all.
“Where you going to smoke if you can’t?” Davey asked him.
“Have to go outside won’t I?” Was Chris’s rather surly response. He’s had several run ins with Management over the past few months and he’s less than enchanted with them because of this.
“Yeah, but you’ll have to leave Council property, which’ll put you outside the grounds. You thought about that?” Davey pointed out; tell you the truth I think he was winding Chris up more than a bit.
“If I don’t, none of you lot’ll rat on me will you?” Chris asked with an unpleasant twist to his mouth like he’d just tasted a dead skunk.
“Don’t be daft.” Pete replied.
“We’re your mates, get off.” Asif is a smoker himself, so that was predictable.
“No one here is going to tell, you daft prat.” Colin reassured.
“Unless it’s Henry.” Pete leaned his chin on his hand moodily.
“Or that square eyed bastard Jago.” Davey observed.
“They’d sell their own mothers to suck up to Management.” Pete said.
“And they both smoke.” I pointed out.
“Fucking hypocrites, the pair of ‘em. You want to watch those bastards.” Pete wagged a warning finger.
“We already do Pete, already do.” Davey replied. The rest of us nodded sagely. There is a certain coterie amongst us who are well known backstabbers. They lack the spine to deal with issues face to face and go running to Management over the slightest disagreement. Even Management have gotten teed off enough to issue an edict that ‘petty matters’ should not be brought to them. Not that this has stopped Jago and Henry so far. Pillocks.

At the moment of writing, we Parking Enforcers haven’t been asked to join the ‘enforcement’ side of the smoking ban. That is to be done by a separate band on non-uniformed ‘inspectors’ (Praise the Lord). Speaking as this particular Parking Enforcer I shall be refusing to enforce the ban unless we can use it to get rid of the wino’s who occasionally pollute our car parks. I already have my work cut out doing normal patrol duties, so unless some serious extra money is on the table for this purpose (And even if there isn’t) our illustrious leaders can go whistle. For myself, all that is going through my mind on the subject is the following thought; phew! At least there’s going to be someone out there less popular than us.

Addendum: Looks like those new ‘Anti Smoking Inspectors’ may in turn have someone to look down on. Will we have Binge Drinking Inspectors next? Oh yes, and don’t think that being middle class will save you from any putative predations. Hells bells, it’s enough to drive you to drink. Oh well, mine’s a large one with a Fixed Penalty Notice chaser. Cheers!

Pieds en feu (Feet on fire)

At every shift’s end you can hear the complaint “My fucking feet are on fire.” Or “My bloody feet are burning.” It’s guaranteed. We’re all dog tired at a shift’s end, and the pace has been upped to a point where it takes me over an hour to recover enough from work to cook or even write when I get home. I slump at my desk, literally exhausted. Even my rest days don’t give me enough time to recuperate properly.

I can’t speak for the others, but it’s a fair bet that many are feeling the same way. This whole new regime has us missing much needed breaks, simply because there is no way you can manage your beat properly and fit everything in. All the zinc oxide tape and talc in Christendom isn’t making much difference on the foot front either. In addition, an old Rugby injury is making its presence felt. In the words of Marvin the Paranoid Android “I ache, therefore I am.”

While I’m ranting on the subject of ‘targets’; first thing this morning I was reading about the new educational ‘targets’ being set for pre-school children and babies. Is someone having a laugh here? Is this a joke? If not; I’m bloody well not having any putative step-grandchildren of mine anywhere near a state monitored nursery. The powers that be can keep their inept and greasy mitts off them. Even at the end of having to forcibly and terminally remove busybodies like this from the household (Sorry, thought they were a kidnap gang. No, never saw any local authority ID – Really Officer, I didn’t. Sorry about the blood). Even if we have to smuggle the poor little mites out of the country.

Is it just me or is everything being driven by ‘targets’ nowadays? Would someone with more than two properly functioning brain cells kindly tell me what real and practical use these ‘targets’ fulfil? Apart from driving the people who actually do a job of work somewhere up a very large and precipitous wall? Having given the matter a little thought I wondered; isn’t it funny those who set the bloody targets are never the ones who have to meet them, day in, day out. How they must laugh at us poor fools.

Excuse me, I just don’t understand the need; but then I’m just a thickie Parking Warden type aren’t I?

Road pricing

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that the incompetent British ‘New Labour’ government is planning to introduce road pricing and ignoring the million and a half opposition. Not at all, not a tad, smidgeon or a single iota. They just see the farcical figures on a spreadsheet and completely ignore the technical and social difficulties it will create.

First point of failure is not the technology itself; GPS is a proven technology. The problem lies in the implementation; what if some clever dicky were to find a way of reprogramming their ‘black box’ (And some clever dicky will - that much is a given) so that it did not respond to the transponder signal and report his vehicles position. His ‘black box’ would not be breaking the law because it would be legally fitted to his vehicle. It would merely be faulty and therefore his ‘road price’ could not be calculated, or wrongly undercalculated. Others would simply fail to have a ‘black box’ installed in their car, and a small growth industry would arise in to disabling / sabotaging the GPS.

One small caveat here; one of my ‘duties’ is to give members of the public directions. It’s a regular occurrence for me to come across a fuming van driver cursing his Sat-Nav for sending him two miles in the wrong direction. The exchange usually goes something like this; I see a van driver sitting in his cab on an active restriction, sometimes in a ‘No unloading’ zone. I wander over and try to catch his eye as he struggles with his paperwork and fiddles with the Sat-Nav box.
Me; “You lost?”
Driver; “Er yeah, d’you know where Other Street is? My Sat-Nav keeps on taking me round the one way system backwards.”
Me; “End of this road, first left at the Island, second right half a mile up.”
Driver; “Oh, cheers.”
Driver buggers off restriction – job done.

Let’s do a little joined up thinking here; guess who gets to chase the hundreds of thousands of vehicles without ‘black boxes’ for non compliance? How many officers is that going to tie up when the rest of the crime stats go through the roof? Could it be our hard pressed Police, who seem to be having a few problems putting sufficient officers on the streets at the time of writing? For the reasons why, just read Dave Copperfield’s blog (I’ve got this awful nagging feeling that we work within twenty miles of each other – don’t ask me why).

Perhaps we should legally limit the decision making powers of government to stuff which they are qualified to deal with? Most Lawyers and Politicians are not qualified to make decisions on the high level use of Information Technology the same way as a high level IT implementation specialist would not be on the finer points of the laws concerning Tort.

From what I can see, the current crop of politicians doesn’t understand the issues involved. They promised us ‘Joined up Government’ (Yeah, right) but seem congenitally incapable of delivering on that promise. Just look at the Hunt ban, a nightmare to enforce, easy to dodge, and has alienated whole swathes of the countryside. How about the handling of the Foot and Mouth outbreak? They had to call in the Army for crying out loud. Just like the Wilson years in the mid to late 1960's and early 1970's. Centralise everything and royally fuck it up.

Just an idle thought on my days off…….