April thoughts

It’s been a strange old day. April showers and brisk breezes have been driving the blossom from the municipal Ornamental Cherry trees so that at times I have been walking through drifts of pink and white confetti. The scent of Lilacs haunts my senses through the traffic fumes.

Not much doing on the parking ticket front, but I went and did it nonetheless. Might as well show willing.

Excuse the paucity of posting, but I’m so worn down by railing at the stupidity of the world that I’ve decided to stop and think happy thoughts instead.

Oh yes, I'd like to welcome Real Policing, Johnno Hill's campaign against the insanity of bureacracy to the sidebar. Read his campaigning blog here.

I’ve run out of things to write about

No, honestly. It’s all repeats. The situation with my employers remains as insane as always, certain members of the general public seem to be so short sighted it’s a wonder they can get out of their own front doors in the morning, and as for me; well that’s another story.

Mind you, there have been a couple of weird incidents. An eleven year old girl sitting slouched and unresponsive on the corner of a street. There’s a woman walking her dog standing over her, looking concerned. I wandered over.
“She’s just sitting there not talking. She won’t talk to me.” Says the woman, all motherly concern.
“Oh, right.” Say I, and the woman leaves me ‘holding the baby’ as it were. The girl very much reminds me of my youngest when she was eleven, so I try to see if she’ll talk. “Hello there. What’s up?” No response.
“It’s too cold a day to be sitting out here.” Not a twitch.

As a ‘caring’ parent, my next move would be (With my own kids) to edge my boot up to the unresponsive backside to nudge a response and tell a joke. Regrettably, in the eyes of our social worker infested paradise such behaviour would more than likely be misconstrued, so I key my radio and put out a call to CCTV.
“Hello Cameras, this is 515. Got a kid sitting slouched on the corner of Borough and Shetland Avenue – cancel that.” A Patrol car pulls up and a solitary Copper gets out. “She’s not talking, just sitting here unresponsive.” I said.
“Thanks for the call.” He says and steps into the breach, obviously thinking it was me who had called him out.
“No problem.” I respond, for want of a more appropriate thing to say, and get back on my beat.

Then there was the car whose driver forgot to turn a corner and ended up stuck on a grassy bank in one of our car parks, so we all turned out to shift it back into a more forgiving environment for a hatchback, i.e. good old tarmac. Around about the same time too. Like I said, nothing of any great import, and not much to write about.

Interview

First off; apologies. It’s been a while since I last posted, mainly because I’ve been on a well deserved break, soaking up some sunshine. Upon my return it transpires that we’ve lost a couple of guys because they’ve gone and got proper jobs but apparently we’re having a bit of trouble recruiting the right type of people. However I am pleased to report that we have a couple of new chaps starting soon who look like they can cut the mustard. As one of the ‘old lags’ I was asked to sit in on one interview to see the kind of people I will shortly be working with. Here follows a very rough transcript.

“Good morning. Thank you for coming.”
“Not at all.”
“You’ve applied for the post of Parking Enforcement Officer.”
“Yes, that is correct.”
“Tell me, Mister Bin, er..”
“Laden. Pronounced lah – den. Please call me Ozzy.”
“Right. Ozzy. What makes you think you would make a good Parking Enforcement Officer?”
“I have very good people skills and can be quite firm when the need arises. I put it all on my CV.”
“Ah yes, your CV.”
“Is anything wrong?”
“No, no, it’s very, erm; interesting.”
“Yes, I have had a number of posts before this.”
“Indeed. I notice that you put down ‘leader of the faithful’ for five years in an overseas post. What did that entail?”
“It was a very varied role. I acted mainly in a mentoring capacity as a facilitator for a religious community. Fascinating work; very devout people, but very frustrating sometimes.”
“Frustrating? How?”
“Funding for missionary work is always at a premium, and the constant American bombing of our ammunition dumps and cave hide out didn’t help.”
“I see. I also note that you list your last employment was as a suicide bomber. What happened?”
“Yes, I’m afraid I just wasn’t very good at it. Upon reflection I think it was one of those career mistakes that we all make.”
“You were actually a suicide bomber?”
“It was either that or shelf stacking at Tesco’s, I simply thought it looked like a more interesting job.”
“But you were employed as a suicide bomber?”
“Yes, although as you can see, I wasn’t very good at it.”
“Ye-e-e-s.”
“Is it a problem?”
“I wouldn’t think so. Tell me Ozzy, what do you think about the parking rules?”
“Oh, they are necessary. Without them the streets would be clogged by the inconsiderate and other infidels. The faithful would have difficulty getting to prayer and the odd massacre of the Kufar.”
“Massacre?”
“It’s just a religious thing. Nothing for you to worry about, but it is very important to my co-religionists.”
“Who are these erm Kufar?”
“Not very nice people at all. You wouldn’t like them much. Bad breath.”
“I see. Well, Ozzy, regrettably I have to tell you that massacring anyone, even Kufar, is strictly against the Council’s health and safety guidelines.”
“Oh. I mean it wouldn’t interfere with my patrol duties. It’s only a hobby.”
“O-kay. Well your references look good mister Bin Laden. Sorry, Ozzy. So when can you start?”

The above was based on a conversation between my older brother and I one evening. Honest, my employers wouldn’t hire Osama Bin Laden. He would be considered a bit too soft hearted for a job as a Local Authority Traffic Warden.