Interview

First off; apologies. It’s been a while since I last posted, mainly because I’ve been on a well deserved break, soaking up some sunshine. Upon my return it transpires that we’ve lost a couple of guys because they’ve gone and got proper jobs but apparently we’re having a bit of trouble recruiting the right type of people. However I am pleased to report that we have a couple of new chaps starting soon who look like they can cut the mustard. As one of the ‘old lags’ I was asked to sit in on one interview to see the kind of people I will shortly be working with. Here follows a very rough transcript.

“Good morning. Thank you for coming.”
“Not at all.”
“You’ve applied for the post of Parking Enforcement Officer.”
“Yes, that is correct.”
“Tell me, Mister Bin, er..”
“Laden. Pronounced lah – den. Please call me Ozzy.”
“Right. Ozzy. What makes you think you would make a good Parking Enforcement Officer?”
“I have very good people skills and can be quite firm when the need arises. I put it all on my CV.”
“Ah yes, your CV.”
“Is anything wrong?”
“No, no, it’s very, erm; interesting.”
“Yes, I have had a number of posts before this.”
“Indeed. I notice that you put down ‘leader of the faithful’ for five years in an overseas post. What did that entail?”
“It was a very varied role. I acted mainly in a mentoring capacity as a facilitator for a religious community. Fascinating work; very devout people, but very frustrating sometimes.”
“Frustrating? How?”
“Funding for missionary work is always at a premium, and the constant American bombing of our ammunition dumps and cave hide out didn’t help.”
“I see. I also note that you list your last employment was as a suicide bomber. What happened?”
“Yes, I’m afraid I just wasn’t very good at it. Upon reflection I think it was one of those career mistakes that we all make.”
“You were actually a suicide bomber?”
“It was either that or shelf stacking at Tesco’s, I simply thought it looked like a more interesting job.”
“But you were employed as a suicide bomber?”
“Yes, although as you can see, I wasn’t very good at it.”
“Ye-e-e-s.”
“Is it a problem?”
“I wouldn’t think so. Tell me Ozzy, what do you think about the parking rules?”
“Oh, they are necessary. Without them the streets would be clogged by the inconsiderate and other infidels. The faithful would have difficulty getting to prayer and the odd massacre of the Kufar.”
“Massacre?”
“It’s just a religious thing. Nothing for you to worry about, but it is very important to my co-religionists.”
“Who are these erm Kufar?”
“Not very nice people at all. You wouldn’t like them much. Bad breath.”
“I see. Well, Ozzy, regrettably I have to tell you that massacring anyone, even Kufar, is strictly against the Council’s health and safety guidelines.”
“Oh. I mean it wouldn’t interfere with my patrol duties. It’s only a hobby.”
“O-kay. Well your references look good mister Bin Laden. Sorry, Ozzy. So when can you start?”

The above was based on a conversation between my older brother and I one evening. Honest, my employers wouldn’t hire Osama Bin Laden. He would be considered a bit too soft hearted for a job as a Local Authority Traffic Warden.