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Saturday, December 02, 2006

 

Santa in Animal Cruelty shock!

In a Lapland Wildlife Police press release, it was claimed today that ‘Father Christmas’ has been ritually abusing Reindeer for commercial purposes. Detective Chief Inspector Kaslifin Nordskaan of the Helsinki Police Bureau for the protection of Native Finnish Wildlife released the following translated press release to an astounded world.
“Red nosed Reindeer are very rare mutations which do not often live to attain maturity in the wild. In a combined operation with Wildlife rangers we have recently uncovered a ring of serial Reindeer abusers pandering to the seasonal tourist trade.”

“Chief of all the abusers has been the man in the photograph positively identified as Raymond B Goatfondler III of Milton Keynes, England. CEO of Xmas Incorporated also calling himself ‘Saint Nicholas’, ‘Father Christmas’, ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘Kris Kringle’."

“Mr Goatfondler faces multiple charges under Finnish Wildlife legislation of repeatedly punching tethered reindeer on the snout and then sandpapering the poor animals injured proboscis until it physically glows red. Apparently he has been doing this for some time, ostensibly to bolster falling revenues from Xmas Inc. and provide spectacles at his Lapland HQ for fee paying tourists. Because of the rarity value of full grown Red nosed Reindeer, he has been artificially creating them for his seedy operation. He is also wanted on suspicion of illegally importing Elves as part of a toy makers slavery ring, as is his partner, Ms ‘Snowy’ Weiss of Bad Luneberg, Germany.”




“This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated in an enlightened European state, and it is therefore my duty to announce that we are seeking the Extradition of Mr Goatfondler from the UK to Helsinki for trial.”.”

UK Police sources have yet to confirm that Mr Goatfondler is in custody awaiting extradition.

Okay, okay, I was bored with writing about getting another torrent of abuse from a member of the public who chose to block the top of a street just because the idle twat couldn’t be arsed to walk a couple of hundred yards. It’s just so nice to drift ‘off topic’ sometimes.

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Exasperated expatriate expostulations all the way from British Columbia, Canada. As if anyone really cared. Oh, I also watch Icelandic Volcanoes and seismic activity. Don't ask me why.

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