Weird shit

There has to be at least one in every organisation; the bullshit merchant, the conspiracy theorist that no matter how well confronted with reality prefers their own eldritch version of events. This particular week it was my turn to be exposed to a deluge of crap from which I have only recently extricated myself. This time round I got lucky and tracked the rumours to their source.

Said source was in the mess at lunch time and I decided that this time they weren’t going to get away with it.
“Michael me boy, I want a word with you.”
“Hello Bill, how are you?” Don’t play the innocent with me, sunshine.
“Let’s skip the pleasantries. What have you been saying to our new supervisor about me?” I stand on the other side of the table from him.
“Nothing mate, honest.” Bollocks.
“He says different. Chas says different. Davey says different. You got a problem with me or how I do my job?”
“No.” Liar.
“Word is that you’ve been telling people I’ve got a criminal record.”
“No I haven’t.” Liar, liar, pants on fire.
“Word is that you’ve been telling people I once got done for theft.”
“Honest, I didn’t.” Squirm you bastard.
“Word is that you’ve been telling people I’m dishonest and I let people off parking tickets for bribes. I say none of these allegations are true. I say you’re a lying sack of shit.”
“As God is my witness Bill.” He’s not, but I do have others.
“Hoy! Chas! Davey!” I call over two of my colleagues and indicate the miscreant. “Just repeat what you heard Michael here telling other people about me.” I’m standing on the other side of the mess room table, fists on the Formica top, leaning forward. He’s sitting opposite and trying to burrow through the seat of a plastic chair with his arse cheeks.
“I never said anything like!” Be afraid.
“Hold on, you told me Bill got done for thieving ten years ago.” Chas leans back against the mess room wall with a grin. Some of the other faces start to edge back in case it kicks off and we have a punch up on our hands. Not that I’m going to let that happen. Not when humiliating someone in front of everyone else is so much more fun. Especially when I can use his own bullshit against him.
“Yeah, and how he got away with GBH on a bloke.” Chimes in Davey.
“I never!”
“Yeah, and that he lets his friends off parking tickets.” Manic Mary interjects. She was last months target.
“I never said that!”
“Yes you bloody did.” I’m right in his face now. “These are serious accusations my boy. Can you prove them?”

“Pack it in Bill.” Bernie our senior supervisor butts in from the mess room doorway. I move back carefully, still staring into Michaels face. “That’s enough.” Bernie is grinning, he ‘s been on the receiving end too so he’s not exactly sympathetic with Michael.
“You’re no fun at all.” I step back. Michael is pale faced and I swear he’s shivering. “I wasn’t going to do anything – much.”
“You start a fight in here and you’ll have to deal with me.”
“Who me? I just wanted to know why this little shit was spreading lies about me.” I finally break eye contact with Michael. “He’s the biggest skiver of us all and just spreads lies about other people to divert their attention.”
“That’s not true!” Michael blurts. He’s panicking.
“Check his beat stats!” Someone else calls out; I’m not sure who.
“Seems like certain people spend less time out on patrol than the rest of us.” I remark pointedly.
“That’s enough Bill. You’ve made your point.” Bernie takes another step closer. I backed away carefully.
“Bernie, can I have a word with all three supervisors?” I asked.
“All right, so long as you calm down first. Come on.” He leads me out of the mess and over to front office. Kerry wasn’t on so it was just me and the Supervisors.

To cut a very long story short, I detailed exactly why I was so angry. They told me what had actually been said to them and after much heated debate we all agreed firstly that Michael was a skiving, bullshitting piece of shite. Secondly, if Ma Stickers second son would refrain from punching Michaels lights out Michael would be getting all the crap jobs for a while, and would that close the matter? After due consideration all parties sensibly accepted this compromise.

To be honest, now that Michael’s credibility has been publicly flushed into the sewer I don’t think he’s going to be with us much longer. Neither, I hope will I; but that’s another story for another day.