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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

 

School run insanity

Got landed with the least popular duty of all today – School run. Basically this means policing restrictions we can’t book on in the midst of hordes of screaming kids and verbally incontinent parents. It is the duty everyone else hates because it’s where the most grief is handed out in the shortest time. The women are the worst, screaming abuse if you book them and boy do they know how to do that. Pity the husbands say I.

The objective of the exercise is not to see how many people you can book in a short time, as this only makes matters worse. No matter how you chase, the little tinkers will move from restriction to restriction and you’ll just end up chasing chaotic shadows. The idea is to provide a safe zone clear of vehicles so that all the Mummies, Daddies and dear little kiddies can cross the road and get clear safely. All else can go hang.

Over the past couple of years I’ve developed a tactic which seems to work quite well. It’s based on how I establish a street presence in the middle of town. It’s mostly positioning and body language. The street is yours – not theirs.

Step 1: Pick a nice location where all the school run mums & dads can see you clearly. On a corner is good.

Step 2: Stay there and keep your hand held ready. Ignore any other restrictions – don’t go chasing shadows – the idea is to keep the main entrance and exit routes clear.

Step 3: Upon seeing a contravention - if the driver is present stay where you are. Look straight into his / her eyes and extend your arm so that it looks like you are checking your watch. These people know the five minute rule and will move the moment you do. If not, then they are too stupid and should not be allowed to pass on their genes.

Step 4: Remember that the object of the exercise is to provide the ‘safe zone’, not go chasing tickets. If someone hasn’t come back to their vehicle in five minutes, by all means start punching in details – Make it pretty damn obvious this is what you are doing. Never forget that the idea is to ‘head ‘em up and move ‘em out – Rawhide! – Yee-haw!’ (I’m sorry Doctor – My husband is feeling a little hoarse - Mrs Sticker.)

Step 5: Book sparingly but don’t take any nonsense – don’t argue when a ticket has been issued – just give them a puzzled look and tell them the procedure for challenge is on the ticket before moving on. If they start giving you grief make a show of picking up your radio and calling for assistance. Words like “Officer being threatened.” Are a great shut up line. Especially when you give your number and location. You can always make a ‘Problem resolved’ call if they back off. If they don’t, well you’ve called for the cavalry – now get the hell out of there.

Well it works for me.

Latest:
Mrs Sticker just burst out laughing at an Internet news item; Apparently George Galloway, arch quisling, is having second thoughts about appearing on a dross reality TV show called ‘Celebrity Big Brother’. I care neither for the show nor Mr Galloway – perhaps the show and he deserve each other. If pressed further for an opinion, I would simply say that I couldn’t be bothered to piss down Mr Galloway’s throat should his lungs catch fire. I don’t even care enough to post a link to him or it. Neither is worthy of my attention. So why do I bother to mention either? I blame ennui, boredom, perchance the sheer devilment of taking the mickey.

Hey ho. I’ve got a book to write. TTFN.

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Location: British Columbia, Canada

Exasperated expatriate expostulations all the way from British Columbia, Canada. As if anyone really cared. Oh, I also watch Icelandic Volcanoes and seismic activity. Don't ask me why.

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